My laughs for the day

I was hauling a box loaded with textbooks into the post office to mail to my daughter. A thirty-something man behind me hurried forward to open the door for me.

Me: Thanks
He: You're welcome, that looks heavy. (He leans forward confidentially) Besides my dad is watching from that car over there, and he'd be mad if I didn't help the lady.

Later, taking blood pressure on a woman during a physical exam.

Me: Hold this (I thrust the BP gauge into her other hand)
Me: Uh, could you move your thumb so I can read the dial?
She: Oh sorry, I didn't even realize what I was holding. It could've been a turd for all I knew; I'm a teacher, I'll hold anything.